Ant Farm Read online

  For my mom

  contents

  I

  the ride back to beersheba

  a conversation at the grown-ups’ table as imagined at the kids’ table

  second grade realization

  a day at UNICEF headquarters as i imagined it in third grade

  i still remember the day i got my first calculator

  playing nice

  our thoughts are with you

  math problems

  II

  :(

  if life were like middle school

  pen pal

  a fantasy i had in seventh grade

  inside the cartridge

  rebellion

  what goes through my mind when i’m home alone (from my mom’s perspective)

  i can only think of two scenarios where high school math would come in handy

  slumber party

  role playing

  sex ed

  ouija board

  my mom’s all-time top five greatest boyfriends

  my friend’s new girlfriend

  III

  invisible

  crayola co.

  “may or may not contain peanuts”

  medieval england

  patron of the arts

  baseball’s hardest worker

  orel hershiser

  if life were like hockey

  colombiatourism.com

  ant farm

  IV

  love coupons

  stadium proposal

  sultan of brunei

  endangered species

  mating throughout history

  when the “guess your weight” guy from the carnival got married

  my roommate is really hard to get along with

  homework

  when small talk goes wrong

  V

  jesus

  karma

  repent

  a conversation between god and the man in a football helmet and a speedo who’s always shouting things next to the a & p

  the odds

  where are all the time travelers?

  desert island

  the dog x-files

  animal cruelty

  lost puppy!

  glorious battles of the american revolution

  a day in the life of the swiss army

  how i imagine life in the u.s. army (based on the commercials i’ve seen)

  how did all those fun army chants get started?

  how college kids imagine the u.s. government

  war

  acknowledgments

  I

  Then Abraham tied Isaac up and laid him on the altar over the wood. And Abraham took the knife and lifted it up to kill his son as a sacrifice to the LORD. At that moment the angel of the LORD shouted to him from heaven, “Abraham! Lay down the knife.” … Then they returned to Beersheba.

  —GENESIS 22

  the ride back to beersheba

  How about some ice cream, Isaac? No? Are you sure? I’ll tell you what, I’ll get us some ice cream. Want some ice cream? I’ll get us some ice cream.

  Wow, there is nothing like camping! Cooking your own lamb, building your own pyre… and no women! Just a couple of guys in the woods, lighting fires, doing stuff, and keeping it between themselves! Speaking of which, did you ever notice how your mother sometimes gets ideas? I mean, she raised you and I love her, but she’s a very nervous person. All I’m saying is sometimes it’s all right not to tell her about certain things. Like guy things.

  Wow, I just noticed that you have huge muscles! You’re really getting strong! When did you get so big and strong? Soon you’ll be a real strong guy!

  Let me explain something to you. Sometimes, grown-ups have to do grown-up stuff that children don’t understand. I think there’s an ice cream place coming up. Like, what happened on top of the mountain? Do you remember? Of course you … of course. Anyway, that was a thing for grown-ups.

  How about some Rocky Road? Chocolate? I’d get you some strawberry, but hey, your name’s Isaac, not Isaac-Marie—am I right? Ha! Seriously, though, if you want strawberry I’ll get it for you. I’ll get you whatever you want.

  So, anyway, let’s rehearse. I’ll be your mother. “Isaac, how was your trip to the mountain?” Okay, then you would say something like “Pretty normal.” That’s not too hard, right?

  We’re almost home. Listen, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but your mother is very sick. She’s sick, Isaac. And the slightest shock might kill her. Hey, there she is, waving at us! Hi, Sarah, we’re back! Put a couple lambs on the spit—you’ve got a couple hungry lumberjacks on your hands! Ha, ha! She’s very ill, Isaac. Very ill. Wow! … Camping.

  ————————

  a conversation

  at the grown-ups’ table

  as imagined at the kids’ table

  MOM: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.

  DAD: Okay.

  GRANDMOTHER: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.

  DAD: Me too. When it was over, I had sex.

  UNCLE: I’m having sex right now.

  DAD: We all are.

  MOM: Let’s talk about which kid I like the best.

  DAD: (laughing) You know, but you won’t tell.

  MOM: If they ask me again, I might tell.

  FRIEND FROM WORK: Hey, guess what? My voice is pretty loud!

  DAD: (laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren’t.

  MOM: I’m angry! I’m angry all of a sudden!

  DAD: I’m angry too! We’re angry at each other!

  MOM: Now everything is fine.

  DAD: We just saw the PG-13 movie. It was so good.

  MOM: There was a big sex.

  FRIEND FROM WORK: I am the loudest! I am the loudest!

  (Everybody laughs.)

  MOM: I had a lot of wine, and now I’m crazy!

  GRANDFATHER: Hey, do you guys know what God looks like?

  ALL: Yes.

  GRANDFATHER: Don’t tell the kids.

  second grade realization

  —Jake, come over here for a second. I need to talk to you about something.

  —What’s up?

  —This is going to sound a little crazy. Oh well … here goes. Do you remember when we were on the school bus last week and Ms. Higgins taught us that new game?

  —You mean the Silent Game? Yeah, I remember. It was pretty cool of her to let us play games on the bus, huh?

  —Well, yeah, that’s what I thought at first. But then I started thinking about it. And now I’m not so sure.

  —What do you mean?

  —Well, just think about it. The Silent Game isn’t actually fun. We don’t do anything—we just kind of sit there. And nobody ever wins. It’s always a tie.

  —What are you saying?

  —I don’t think it’s a real game. I think she just made it up to get us to be quiet.

  —Oh my God. I think you’re right.

  —I can’t believe we fell for it. We were silent for almost twenty minutes!

  —We have to tell the class!

  —What’s the point? They’d never believe us.

  —What about all the other games she taught us? The Politeness Game … the Respect Game … the Clean Up the Tables Game …

  —What about them?

  —Those might be fake too.

  —Whoa. You just blew my mind.

  —This has got to be the craziest day of my life.

  ————

  a day at

  UNICEF headquarters

  as i imagined it in third grade

  [UNICEF sits on a throne. He is wearing a cape and

  holding a scepter. A servant enters, on his knees.]

  UNICEF: Halloween is
fast approaching! Have the third graders been given their little orange boxes?

  SERVANT: Yes, your majesty!

  UNICEF: Perfect. Did you tell them what the money was for?

  SERVANT: No, sir, of course not! We just gave them the boxes and told them to collect for UNICEF. We said it was for “a good cause,” but we didn’t get any more specific than that.

  UNICEF: Ha ha ha! Those fools! Soon I will have all the money in the world. For I am UNICEF, evil king of Halloween!

  SERVANT: Sir … don’t you think you’ve stolen enough from the children? Maybe you should let them keep the money this year?

  UNICEF: Never! The children shall toil forever to serve my greed!

  [UNICEF tears open a little orange box and rubs the

  coins all over his fat stomach.]

  UNICEF: Yes! Oh, yes!

  SERVANT: Wait—your majesty! Look at this! Our records indicate that there’s a kid out there—Simon—who’s planning to keep his UNICEF money this year.

  UNICEF: What?!? But what about my evil plans? I was going to give that money to the Russians so they could build a bomb!

  SERVANT: I guess there’s still one hero left in this world.

  UNICEF: Noooo!

  [Runs out of castle, sobbing.]

  SERVANT: Thank God Simon is keeping his UNICEF money.

  SECOND SERVANT: Yes, it’s good that he’s keeping the money.

  THIRD SERVANT: I agree. Simon is doing a good thing by keeping the money from the UNICEF box.

  SERVANT: Then we’re all in agreement. Simon should keep the money.

  ————————————

  i still remember the day

  i got my first calculator

  TEACHER: All right, children, welcome to fourth grade math. Everybody take a calculator out of the bin.

  ME: What are these?

  TEACHER: From now on we’ll be using calculators.

  ME: What do these things do?

  TEACHER: Simple operations, like multiplication and division.

  ME: You mean this device just … does them? By itself?

  TEACHER: Yes. You enter in the problem and press equal.

  ME: You … you knew about this machine all along, didn’t you? This whole time, while we were going through this … this charade with the pencils and the line paper and the stupid multiplication tables! … I’m sorry for shouting … It’s just … I’m a little blown away.

  TEACHER: Okay, everyone, today we’re going to go over some word problems.

  ME: What the hell else do you have back there? A magical pen that writes book reports by itself? Some kind of automatic social studies worksheet that … that fills itself out? What the hell is going on?

  TEACHER: If a farmer farms five acres of land a day—

  ME: So that’s it, then. The past three years have been a total farce. All this time I’ve been thinking, “Well, this is pretty hard and frustrating but I guess these are useful skills to have.” Meanwhile, there was a whole bin of these things in your desk. We could have jumped straight to graphing. Unless, of course, there’s some kind of graphing calculator!

  TEACHER: There is. You get one in ninth grade.

  ME: Is this … Am I on TV? Is this a prank show?

  TEACHER: No.

  playing nice

  Dear fourth grade parents,

  In order to make sure no child gets hurt this year, the PTA has agreed to the following guidelines for birthday parties:

  1. If a child invites more than half of the class, he must invite the entire class, including Ivan.

  2. If a child only wants to invite a few best friends but Ivan hears that there’s a party, that child must invite Ivan and pretend that the party is for Ivan.

  3. If Ivan is at a party and he starts to have one of his fits, everyone else at the party (including parents) must pretend to have fits also so Ivan doesn’t feel that he’s the only one having a fit. When Ivan runs out of steam, nobody should talk about what just happened.

  4. If Ivan demands that a child invite him to a party, that child must invite Ivan to a party even if it’s not that child’s birthday and that child doesn’t have any party planned. The next day, at the party, everybody should pretend that it actually is that child’s birthday and Ivan was right about everything.

  5. If Ivan figures out somehow that the other children have been faking their fits, the children must be taken out of school until Ivan has one of his major breakdowns and loses his recent memory.

  6. No matter whose party it is, Ivan always blows out the candles and opens all the presents.

  Thank you,

  Mrs. Billings

  our thoughts are with you

  Dear Mrs. Matthews,

  I am writing to express my deepest sympathies. I shared your last note with Caleb’s classmates and they made a card (which I have enclosed). Ten funerals in three weeks is a lot to ask of any child, let alone a child like Caleb, who has already suffered so many family deaths this month. At first, as humiliating as it is to admit, I thought your son had forged the notes. But denial quickly gave way to grief. I understand he has another funeral to attend on Wednesday and that it will last until Friday. Please let him know that he can take as much time off as he needs. I would volunteer to drop off Caleb’s homework myself, but I understand that your house recently exploded. Of all the tragedies that have befallen your family, this one saddened me the most. For a house to suddenly explode, without warning, destroying a child’s backpack and books, is very upsetting, particularly in the midst of your High Voodoo Holidays.

  I was also deeply saddened to learn that your son had suffered brain damage and could no longer complete his social studies assignments. To be hit with such a misfortune, on top of Tourette’s, is a blow to any child’s self-esteem, especially when that child is retarded.

  Incidentally, I understand that Caleb has recently taken on some serious community service projects. I totally understand Caleb’s devotion to the blind, particularly in light of his own blindness. But I’m worried that his extracurricular activities might interfere with his school-work, especially on top of the pressures of his upcoming Voodoo Bar Mitzvah. Of course, it’s your decision.

  I would also like to take this opportunity to congratulate you on your son’s recent achievement! To be named an FBI super-spy at such a young age is an amazing accomplishment, particularly for a child who suffers from so many varied forms of brain damage. He hasn’t told me much about his mission, but from what I gather it sounds like an incredible opportunity. I’m going to miss his presence in the classroom next year, but it would be selfish of me to stand in his way. Caleb’s country needs him more than I do. He belongs in Russia.

  Rest assured: I haven’t told anyone about Caleb’s mission, not even the principal. I am honored that Caleb felt he could trust me with top secret information, and I would never betray that trust.

  Godspeed,

  Mr. Marks

  math problems

  UNIT 4 TEST

  Please show your work.

  1. A name-brand bottle of rum costs $12.95. The generic brand sells for $7.50. If a math teacher buys 4 bottles of generic rum each week, how much does he save each month? How much does he save each year? How much money does the teacher save over the course of 11 years?

  2. A math teacher’s new apartment is approximately 12 ft. long and 5 ft. wide, and the bathroom takes up 50% of the apartment. A normal human-size bed is 6 ft. × 3 ft. Does the math teacher have enough room for a standard bed? Or will he have to sleep in some kind of dog bed?

  3. By order of the high courts, a math teacher must keep 1,000 ft. away from his ex-wife at all times. Say, theoretically, she lives on 63rd and York, exactly halfway between the math teacher’s apartment and his school. How far out of his way does the teacher have to walk every morning just to keep from getting arrested?

  4. After 11 years of service, a math teacher receives an $80 gift certificate to Shaw’s Gas in lieu of a raise. How much
of that money will be left after taxes? Express in bottles of rum.

  5. A math teacher is frightened 95% of the time. How many hours a day is he frightened? What is he so afraid of?

  II

  :(

  i used 2 B a typical teenage girl, gossiping with my gal friends on the weekends (I luv U guys!) throwing slumber parties (zzzzzzz!) That was B4 i contracted hepatitis C.

  Sometimes i ask myself, “Y? Y has the lord 4saken me? R U there God? Have U 4gotten me?” i’m trying 2 B positive, but it’s hard when U know that your death is a 4gone conclusion. It’s only a matter of time B4 my D4med liver ceases 2 function 4ever.

  My innards R swarming w/2morous growths & the pain is excruci8ing. i no longer have any will 2 live. 2morrow i’ll B sed8ed 4 the oper8ion. Secretly, i hope i don’t come 2.

  i’ve decided 2 stop praying. Y should I? i h8 god. He sh@ on me & i h8 him.

  All i can do now is w8 4 death.

  :(

  if life were like middle school

  JUDGE: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say in your defense before I sentence you?

  CRIMINAL: Nope.

  JUDGE: In that case, I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.

  VICTIM: Wait—what? That doesn’t make any sense! He attacked we!

  JUDGE: I don’t care who started it.

  pen pal

  In seventh grade, everyone in my class was assigned a foreign pen pal. Mine was from Bulgaria, and his name was Bojidar. We exchanged letters once a month, and at the end of the year we wrote reports about each other’s countries based on what we had learned. Here is his report: